Couples Therapy

Here I present possible topics addressed in couples therapy. Would you like to schedule an appointment?
Please read the terms and conditions and fill out the contact form at the bottom of the page.

Process

At the beginning of couples therapy, we develop shared goals and discuss the framework of the work, without imposing a rigid structure. Sessions usually last 50 minutes and cost €120.66 per couple (or €180.99 for 75-minute sessions). My contributions take the form of recommendations that the couple can explore both during and between sessions.

Diversity

I have experience working with intercultural, polyamorous, and LGBTQIA* relationships and families. I am happy to reflect together with clients on how e.g. gender-specific, cultural, or linguistic factors may play a role in their situation. I consider diverse relationship forms beyond cultural (e.g., monogamy) or gender-based (e.g., heteronormativity) norms to be valid.

Therapeutic orientation

As much as therapists may strive for neutrality, their own values inevitably shine through in their therapeutic work. In the spirit of transparency, I believe it is best to acknowledge this openly. I consider equality and consent in relationships essential. In how partners perceive one another and shape their relationship, stereotypes (e.g., about being a “man” or a “woman”) should be critically questioned, and roles should be negotiated consensually. Power imbalances, dominance, and prejudices (e.g., biological determinism, cultural essentialism) are, in my view, problematic foundations for a mutually fulfilling relationship. My stance is shaped, among other things, by feminist and queer theoretical discourses.

The primary “technical” foundation of my work is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT encourages developing acceptance of difficulties, cultivating mindful awareness of one’s thinking patterns, and orienting oneself toward personal values and visions.

I also frequently work with Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT). This approach aims to illuminate the vulnerable underlying emotions that sit beneath diffuse or entrenched emotional states, allowing one’s own and others’ needs to become clearer. For example, anger often conceals fear (e.g., of not being taken seriously).

In addition, I teach communication models that help couples communicate more precisely and gently and to find cooperative compromises, for example “nonviolent communication”.

Guiding Principles

“For the heart, life is simple. It beats for as long as it can.” — Karl Ove Knausgård

Although openness to all outcomes is important - and a peaceful separation can be a valid goal - I also try to direct attention in our sessions to the positive aspects of the relationship, which sometimes receive too little focus. I strive for understanding of each perspective and for multi-partiality. Not only to convey acceptance to each person individually, but also because emotional connectedness means that only solutions found together can truly work.

“To know love we have to be honest with ourselves and others.” — bell hooks

I believe that difficulties are a natural part of relationships - not the exception, but the rule. Many couples assume that what they are experiencing is uniquely bad and draw far-reaching conclusions about their own inadequacy. My perspective on people and relationships, however, is that we all make mistakes, yet we are rarely malicious or “broken.” More compassionately understood, we have simply lost our way and need to find better alternatives. A mindful and supportive presence from the outside can help develop new ways of thinking and behaving that open up fresh possibilities for the relationship. Honesty is often not only unavoidable but deeply helpful. Only when I am honest can I be seen with all parts of myself and be accepted unconditionally. Such an experience can deepen intimacy and become a catalyst for meaningful shared growth.

"Must one think? Would one not be missed?" — Ingeborg Bachmann

Many people experience relationship difficulties as a battle between “heart and mind” and push themselves to believe that the clear, rational mind must finally prevail over the stubborn, irrational heart. There are certainly cases where this is true. But in my experience, it is just as often an overly rigid mind that lies at the root of the problem. Far too often we get lost, tangled, and stuck in the constructions of our thinking - and in the process lose access to the direct emotional connection that we still (or once again) have with one another.
When we reconnect with this emotional sense, the motivation to find new solutions often emerges. The more we loosen our grip on the idea that the other person or the relationship must necessarily conform to our expectations, the more freedom of movement we gain.

“Love is an activity, not a passive affect. It is something one develops within oneself, not something one falls into.” — Erich Fromm

I would like to encourage seeing the quality of an emotional relationship as the product of behavior rather than a mere physiological accident. I am convinced that through caring actions we can create the ground on which trust, safety, and intimacy can grow. And only from this ground can a healthy and deep connection emerge.

Issues

In my experience, relationship difficulties often span several levels, which is why attempts at resolving them should also involve different approaches. When problems have already become entrenched, they usually manifest as patterns of withdrawal or escalation. Typical sources of conflict and possible ways of working with them include:

Everyday stress:
Here, it can be helpful to identify contextual factors and apply pragmatic problem-solving strategies.
Withdrawal:
Learning to communicate needs, to accept them, and to implement them cooperatively.
Dysfunctional interaction patterns (aggression, power struggles, mistrust, etc.):
The focus here may be on developing understanding for biographical interaction patterns, cultivating mindfulness, and practicing emotion regulation techniques.
Frustrations around intimacy/sexuality:
Finding ways toward acceptance, renewed closeness, or consensual openness.
Stagnation / lack of orientation:
What is your vision of one another? Which qualities of your relationship would you like to strengthen in the future?
Rigid concepts, entrenched attributions, and “subjective truths”:
Critically examining them and opening up to new experiences.
Hurtful communication:
Learning to speak with each other more gently and with more emotional awareness.